It’s time. I’ve had this feeling in my bones for many days,
and now the moment has arrived. Once again, I wish I could lay down, close my
eyes, and never wake up. It’s true, I wouldn’t mind dying. I won’t kill myself,
but I wouldn’t mind dying. Do
you see the difference ?
Years ago,
a friend of mine admired my view on life. « You, better than others »,
he said « have accepted the fact that everyone goes away. » Yes, I’ve
accepted it. Still, it frightens me. I don’t want to die. Dying is never easy,
it’s always messy and people you love get hurt.
In the
past, I’ve often asked of God to send me cancer, to push me in front of a truck
with invisible hands, to let me tumble and fall down a hillside. Nothing
ever happened. God never grants our wishes, does he ? He’s a fucking bastard who gloats at our
misery. Then it hit me: I might survive all of those things.
I am angry. I’ve got so much anger running through my veins
it could feed all the North Korean missiles. I am angry with myself, I am angry
with the entire goddamned world. I am angry with all of you, but must of all, I
am angry with myself. I blame myself for not being stronger, not being kinder,
more mellow and well-spoken, more reflective and subservient, more gregarious
and selfish.
It’s all
about balance, isn’t it? That’s where my problems start. I’ve never been
good at balance. I either want to run and hide or dance around onstage and show
all the world how fantastic I am. And then I take a step back and hate myself.
I hate myself for being too headstrong, for always wanting to be right, for
always feeling neglected, for feeling laughed at and abused. It’s a tricky thing, balance…
What I am
certain of, however, is that I will remain on this earth for a while longer. For
how long, no one can say. No one can predict what’s going to happen tomorrow.
What I do
know for sure is that I’m not going to change. I sometimes re-read the
diary-entries from ten years ago and they’re pretty clear to me: I’ve not
learnt and I’ve not changed. I still battle the same fucking problems I’ve
had all my life. If there is something you did not like about me, it’s not going
to change. I’m unable to change. I’m unable to improve on my character, and I
am unable to see reason. Emotions are what I am governed by. Logic seems
illogical to me.
So please leave. I’ve caused you and myself so much pain and
it’s not going to fade. It will remain and you deserve better. So just go and
don’t look back. Forget and, hopefully, forgive. You are so much wiser than I
am because I don’t forgive and I don’t forget. All those memories are like
poison travelling through my system. It just won’t fade.
On the first of August, I got scared of all the fireworks in
the sky. I called my parents at half past ten. I cried „I am never going to be happy
again. This is it. This is my life. I cannot recall a moment when I was happy.
All my memories I can twist in my head, and the outcome is always negative. It’s
eating me up alive.“
My father got scared at those words. He got really, really
scared. He said „You frighten me. When you talk like this, I fear for you.“ He
didn’t need to utter that he was scared I might harm myself, but I understood. Up
until then, I didn’t know. Now I do and I am ashamed of myself for all the
things that I put my family and friends through. You deserve better.
So leave. Just leave and don't look back. In time, you will forget.
Unlike me, you will forget.
